Calling all English Blog Spammers, Linkbaiters, Gray Hat SEO'ers - A Business Proposition
Here's my proposition - while obviously all of this futile commenting is offshore, english-as-a-second-language linkbuilding spam, it amuses me. So much so, that I'll be including much of it in my next book - but that's another topic.
FYI - I'll need to be inserting some really nice spam collecting, linkbait to attract potential new clients per this offer....so, dear readers, please ignore phrases like the following - cheap inbound linkbuilding copywriting - hundred of free inbound links for maximum google page rank and web traffic ...
However, while amusing, what truly annoys me is the abject lack of thought, consideration or investment that appears to be going into generation of the comments - whether or not the comments are individually typed or generated by a site-scraping, auto-registering spambot client. While most are really funny, and some are outstanding in terms of sheer, unbridled, Faulknerian (i.e. James Faulkner, inventor of the multi-page, run-on, stream-of-consciousness thought sentence by a an idiot man-child) lunacy - all completely reject the notion or even the lamest attempt at proper, or remotely conversational American English grammar.
It's made "SEO" (Search Engine Optimization) and SMO (Social Media Optimization) 4-letter words among the Internet business marketing and advertising community, and their prospective clients or litigants.
To wit - here are just a few of my most favorites, from this past blog - which have, unfortunately, had to have been unceremoniously sent to Google's trash bin (though likely will live forever on some backup tape):
The compliment: "Fantastic beat ! I would like to apprentice whilst you amend your site, how could i subscribe for a weblog web site? The account helped me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit familiar of this your broadcast provided vivid transparent concept my webpage - www.somethingreallystupidlyspammy.com "
The family connection: "My spouse and i were absolutely thankful that Emmanuel could do his preliminary research through your precious recommendations he obtained using your web pages. It's not at all simplistic to simply continually be releasing things that many others might have been making money from. So we see we've got the website owner to appreciate because of that. All the explanations you have made, the straightforward blog menu, the relationships you will help create - it's many amazing, and it's really letting our son in addition to the family know that that issue is enjoyable, and that is exceptionally fundamental. Thank you for the whole thing! My web page - www.somethingequallystupid.com "
The mindless distraction: "Τoday, I ωеnt to the beachfrοnt with my kids. I found a sea shell anԁ gave it to my 4 уear old dаughter аnd saiԁ "You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear." Ѕhе рlаcеԁ thе shell to her eaг and scгeаmеd. Тherе was a hermit cгab insiԁe and it pinchеd her eаr. She never wants to go back! LoL I know thіѕ is еntirelу off topiс but I hаԁ to tell someοnе! Also viѕit my wеbρаge :: adult personals on www.bitemyearhardthenlisten.com "
and, of course, the Apprentice request: "Hmm it appears lіke уour ѕite аte my first comment (it ωas super long) so ӏ gueѕs I'll just sum it up what I had written and say, I'm thoroughly enjoуing уour blog. I tοo am an аѕpігіng blog blogger but I'm still new to everything. Do you have any points for beginner blog writers? I'd certаinly apprecіate it. Also visit my web page at www.impaid3dollarsanhourtocrankoutthiscrap.com ".
Here's my proposition, to all the nice blog spam outfits out there, and to all businesses who think they can outsource quality SEO, linkbuilding and social media overseas, or simply do it on the cheap - in language you'll understand:
Please do what is the needful and kindly let ME (instead of you, or your sorry-assed PHP script) type social comments into high page rank blogs using absolutely, gosh-darned proper American conversational English grammar. Timely, topic, relevant, interesting and possibly useful contextual tidbit content included for free, along with a URL-shortened link (so the link doesn't look so gosh-darned stupid)! For $5 a comment, Paypal accounts accepted, definitely in time for the highest page view traffic on Tuesday mornings before the emails kick off!
That's right - I WILL WRITE YOUR SPAM FOR YOU, AND IT WILL BE GOOD, GUARANTEED - THE GOODEST ENGLISH SPAM YOU'VE EVER SEEN, SURE TO ATTRACT MANY LINKS, FOLLOWERS, FRIENDS, HIGH PAGE RANKINGS AND AMERICAN DOLLARS OR EUROS. It will fool everyone, even Mr. Akismet. It will include a touch of humour and wit, perhaps a nod to contemporary culture or industry, a brief but acceptably warm and casual entreaty or compliment...and it's certain its content won't be unfortunately cluttered with misplaced or missing apostrophes. It will find its way casually and acceptably into more conservative professional forums, like LinkedIn, on topic and without promotional slant. YOU WILL REAP FANTASTIC REWARDS FROM THE MANAGER OF YOUR SPAM-MILL, AND YOU WILL BE CELEBRATED APPROPRIATELY IN YOUR OWN LANGUAGE. EVEN IF YOUR OWN LANGUAGE IS SOME VARIANT OF SOUTHERN JERSEY GUIDO. I CAN SAY THAT, I'VE LIVED NEAR THERE.
Thanks, dear global spammer and link-builder community, for allowing me to help you - and perhaps help the world improve its online use of proper English grammar, one bit of meaty, tasty, oozing bit of delicious link-bait at a time.